You see it in the movies, romance novels and maybe even know one or two.
A woman whose husband worships the ground she walks on. She can do no wrong in his eyes. He brags about her awesomeness to everyone he meets and she glows and blossoms under his affection. She not only knows that he loves her but more importantly, she feels it too. And she feels protected, desired, adored and cherished by him.
You might think, she is the lucky one to find a guy like that, but you’ve got one of those men too. In a imom survery, when asked ‘What is the one thing you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?’ hundreds of men responded with an overwhelming ‘How much I love her.’
That’s means that your man, yes the very same one you think doesn’t help around the house, never buys you flowers because it’s Tuesday, or acknowledges how great and amazing you are, actually wants to be your hero, make you feel loved and tingly all over.
Would you believe that it is absolutely possible?
And you don’t need to look like a Cosmo magazine cover beauty, with perfect weight, skin and bone structure. You don’t need to learn some porn star moves to try out in the bedroom nor does it locking yourself away in some survival marriage boot camp. According to Laura Doyle, author and intimacy coach who exclusively works with women on improving their marriages, it only takes you. As per Laura, ‘Women set the tone, and Men rise to the occasion’ so if you want to feel loved, appreciated and desired, then you already have the power to do so.
We just need somewhere to start.
Ever notice that when you are in a bad mood everything annoys, frustrates and angers you? And when you aren’t taking care of yourself you are much more likely to be in a bad mood and feel everything is a slight. Even when your hubs is trying to be nice, it feels becomes something bad. Disingenuous, covering up something, penance for miss deeds – something bad. But happiness creates its own aura. Not only is it a characteristic we want for ourselves, but we admire and look for it in others. happy people attract happy people, and people care about people who care about themselves so stop sacrificing and neglecting yourself for your spouse or even your kids.If you are feeling depressed, less than confident, stressed or neglected, you will not want to be close to anyone and they won’t want to get close to you either.Forget your husband and focus on you for a minute.
Write out your desires, and things that make you happy on a sheet of paper. The more frivolous the better. A warm bath, new underwear, getting your nails done, watching cat videos… whatever and make the decision to work on at least 3 per day.
Happy people are fun, positive people. It’s a win-win, you are happy, your spouse sees you are happy and wants to get in on that happiness too.
Express your true desires
You might be wondering ‘ why do I have to say it? obviously, if I’ve been watching the kids all day then I’d like a break to have time for myself. If I had done that to him, then I would know he’d want a break.’ ‘Obviously I want to feel appreciated’ And that’s just it, you would know because women have a deeper emotional intelligence to read the feelings of others. Your hubs don’t know, and he isn’t telepathic. And he will never figure it out by himself. That’s for the movies, it’s not real.You need to tell him in no uncertain terms what you need. Here’s how to do you. Just say ‘Hey hun, I would love _____” or “Hey Hunny, you know what I want _________”. This should be a simple clear request of your desire. This is an expression of what you want or would love to have/do etc. it is not to be confused with a request which asks for the action of your spouse. For example “I would love it if you _____” is a request which leaves your hubby the option to say yes they will do it or no they won’t. Help him figure out how to serve you by telling him.
Relinquish Control and Allow him to be the hero he wants to be
Every man, whether they admit it or not, wants to be their wife’s hero. He wants to feel like a man, trusted, respected, and he wants to protect, provide and pamper you. Sometimes we get so caught up in working and being the master of own domains, that our men lose their place in our world. We can be strong and independent, while at the same time allow our husbands to pamper us.
Trust that he can handle the responsibility of picking the hotel on the vacation, planning the activities or managing the budget for the trip. It can be hard, but try turning off the urge to save him. and there is nothing sexier than a man who knows his value and has a purpose. That confidence turned in him appreciating me and my activities. A win- win for everyone.
Love him how he wants to be loved …. and teach him how to do the same
Treating someone the way you like to be treated is the golden rule and a good way to live. But treating someone how they want to be treated is the platinum rule, and just like the precious metal, it’s even better.
In his book ‘The Five Love Languages,’ Gary Chapman writes that men, women and even children, all have a love language (or a combination of a few) that makes them feel loved, cherished, and desired – words of affirmation, acts of service, spending quality time, physical touch and receiving gifts. Understanding your husband’s love language and loving him the way he understands as love is like giving him a gift that is perfectly suited for him, and a great way of keeping the peace and love flowing in your relationship.We’re not loving him with the expectation that he’ll reciprocate. Instead, you are taking the time to understand what he likes and what makes him happy.
And while you are learning how to love him, take the time to teach him how to love you. It’s possible that he’s been trying to show you he loves you but he’s using a language that you don’t understand. Most people love other people the way how we like to be loved. So if you like words of affirmation, you might share words of affirmation with your spouse to show him you love him. But if his love language is physical touch, then he feels loved when you are intimate, not when you tell him how wonderful he is.
Tell your spouse that you feel loved, cherished and appreciated when ‘_________________’ fill in the blank. Don’t let him stumble in the dark on how to please you. Whatever your love language is, let him know how to express his love for you in a way you understand.
Parents train little girls to never be vulnerable. Show ‘the man’ just how tough you are, and that you can do anything they can do and probably better. In the arena of love, if you show him how much you care, then you’ll become a cliche. He’ll take advantage of your feelings and you’ll become a toy to be trifled with.
Being vulnerable is hard. You open the most fragile part of yourself and you have no idea what the other person will do with that raw emotion you displayed. But if you can’t be vulnerable with your husband, the person who you vowed to share ALL of your life with, the one who you left your parents to cleave to and become one, then who can you show the truest part of yourself to? It doesn’t make you weak, or pathetic or a love sick loser. It makes you honest, and willing to have a pure unmasked, unguarded emotion with the other half of your heart.If you miss spending time with him, then say so. Telling him that he is always at work and never home, doesn’t tell him how you really feel. Don’t be afraid. Your spouse will rise to the challenge. You gave him your heart when you got married.
Become a goddess
Pablo Picasso said there are only 2 types of women, goddesses, and doormats. While his relationships are not one to be mimicked, there is something to be valued from his statement. So often we play the martyr, especially mothers, and become the workhorse for our spouse and family. We take on all the work, never say no convince ourselves that our job is to put other’s needs before our own and allow ourselves to be neglected.
If you want to be cherished, honored and adored, then you have to start valuing yourself and your feelings. You don’t fall into the background because you are a wife or mother. You are unique and should shine as such. You deserve to be loved, adored, cherished and put on a pedestal.
Ask for what you want. If you don’t ask you won’t get it and then allow your hubs to take care of you. Don’t try to prove how much of a no frills workhorse you are. When your hubby gets you something, don’t just take it because you want it, you take it because it shows him that you value yourself and know that you are worth the pampering. Don’t discourage him if he wants to buy you a gift or pamper you. When you spurn his gifts or argue that he spent too much or not enough, you undermine his act of love and discourage him from attempting again in the future. So even if you aren’t ecstatic about getting a blender for a gift, still be gracious and thank him anyway.
I’m not saying to become a high maintenance chick, but your spouse wants to have that pride when you go out and someone compliments you on the beautiful earrings your wearing for example. He wants to peacock and say ‘hey look at how beautiful, smart and amazing my wife is. I know I’m blessed so I have to take good care of her. I’m handling my God-appointed business as a husband with pride and honor’.
Let’s get started
Regardless of the state of your relationship, you can have that attentive thoughtful spouse you’ve always dreamed of even if you think that he’s the most oblivious, insensitive, and unaffectionate man on the planet. It is very possible.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bed of roses. You might have strong feelings that he isn’t or can’t be your hero or he’ll never cherish you. But give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
You have the skills in your hands and you are on your way to feeling loved, being desired and cherished for life.
Having your husband love you the way you would like. Offering to make dinner, or talk out the trash without you asking.
To learn more about Laura Doyle’s 6 intimacy skills